So, I haven’t posted in a little while, but since my last post, I had surgery on my hand for a second time. You wouldn’t think hand surgery would take me out, but it really has taken a toll on me and the medicine I was taking made me drowsy… so doing small things wore me out so much, I just didn’t  have the energy for exercise. I took about 2-3 weeks off, with a couple of workouts here and there, so needless to say, I gained about 10lbs. This week I REALLY started getting on gear with exercise. I’ve worked out Mon-Thursday so far this week; they haven’t been the BEST workouts–well, Monday and Wednesday were, but Tuesday and Thursday were kind of rough. I signed up to run a 5K for Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta on May 1st. I’m excited about running the race because it’s my first one, but I don’t know if I’m quite ready for it. I ran 4 miles the other day, and struggled through the last mile, but hopefully the excitement of the race will give me a boost to run well.

Today is my day off, unless I want to squeeze a run in after I get off work at 2 and before I have to be at work at 5. Today I ‘d run to prepare for the race Sunday. I should be able to do it, since I only run for about 40 minutes max for a 5K. Then, if I have more time, I can do a little lifting maybe, since I wasn’t able to lift yesterday-We shall see when I get off work. I’m anticipating doing a Kickboxing Class at Golds on Saturday. So, that gives me a pretty good deal of exercise for the week-  days if I don’t go today. I’m not doing so well with the lifting aspect of exercise still and the hand injury is slowing me down again. I’m doing lunges and squats and light weight dumbell reps, so as to not stress my hand from too heavy of weight. But I KNOW I need to weight train more in order to burn this fat off.

I’ve been feeling frustrated lately with my weight again. I’ve come to realize that I have worse body image of myself then I used to-this being after losing weight. When I was heavier, I almost always felt great about myself. I knew I was heavy, but I had a hall-mate in college who, together, she and I would conquer the world with our curvy physique. We were confident ladies and strutted our stuff and shaked what our momma’s gave us! lol Like when we went shopping and something didn’t fit we would tell ourselves, there was something wrong with the clothes–not with us!

If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I’ve been on this weight-loss mission almost 3 years, come May, and I’ve been trying to get down to my goal weight since about January. In the beginning, I was feeling great and confident about myself. I watched the pounds shed away and was excited in the progess. It’s always been hard, but I was feeling great and accomplished…but for the past few months, I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror and I’m disgusted with what I’m seeing. I get all this Twitter and Facebook feedback about how beautiful I look and how great I’m doing, but I don’t feel it. Before my surgery I reached my 5 mile run mark. I feel like I should be starting to look like someone who can run that much… and I don’t. I still feel flabby and prior to surgery, was lifting, but wasn’t really noticing the change. I am anxious to start seeing toning and the scale moving down. My BFF from high school is getting married in June, and I want to look GREAT for this wedding–no, I’m not in it, but I know I’m going to see people I haven’t seen in a while. 

I was talking to my sister the other day about this whole body image thing-because I don’t understand how being 50-60lbs lighter would make me feel worse about my body; she said that I probably feel this way because I now see that I can do it and because I haven’t progressed to the weight I anticipated myself to be at by this time, that I’m frustrated. And that’s true. When I was heavier I didn’t think about the calories I was putting in my mouth or anything, and now that I started and have lost a good handful of weight–now I’ve become obsessed with it. Again, I’m going on about 5 months to try to lose these last 15-20lbs. The fat is on my body to lose–Like I know that contestants on the Biggest Loser get to their steady weight for them, and so they struggle to lose weight, but I KNOW I’m not quite there yet. I know I have A LOT of toning left to do. Like I bought some of those cute running shorts-that seem to be pretty popular this year, or maybe I’m just notcing them because I’m skinnier and feeling more confident to wear them, but when I put them on, I realize that I can only wear them causally and not to workout in cause my thunder thighs are still rubbing together…and I have been quoting the guy from the Alli commercial for the past couple of days “cause I’m tired of my THIGHS rubbing together”. So, I’ve been frustrated with my flabby inner thighs. I wish my legs were more toned then they are with all the running I’ve been doing.

I am ready to be done with this weight loss thing-I feel confident in my ability to maintain my weight, but I’m struggling SO much to just get the weight off. I feel like being in the 180s is a reasonable weight for me. I don’t feel like it’s so small that I can’t maintain it. I REALLY need to just stop stressing over my weight, but with every new month, I’m more and more upset that I’m not in the bikini shape that I want to be and I feel like I’m running out of time. I can wear one AND pull it off, cause I wore one last year and am slightly smaller than I was last year–by like 5-10lbs, but I don’t want to just “pull it off”, I want to look GREAT. I really need to get a lifting routine together and one that I know will be successful. I have like 2 months until Summer-Summer, where I’m going to have to ACTUALLY put on a bathing suit, but the way things have been going, I just don’t feel confident in the ability to lose the weight.

Last Thursday, I started a new diet of high protein, high veggies/fruits and low carbs. I feel that I’ve been doing a great job with it considering that I started just a week ago. I went out the other day and was even able to stick to my diet. I ordered a salad and added shrimp to it and ate steamed edamame, which is a good protein source. Last night I decided that I think it might be time to minimize my coffee intake- or switch it up. I dont like black coffee, but I think I’m going start drinking the flavored Via packets Starbucks has and just add splenda to it. I can cut calories but taking out the milk. I’ve tried using skim milk in coffee vs half-and-half, but I only like skim in expresso drinks. I’m hoping the small things will help to contribute to weight loss.

I’m in the process of moving, so all my dumbbells are at the new house, but since I don’t like lifting that much, I think I might go back to doing 30 Day Shred. My sister suggested P90x, and while I know people who SWEAR by it, I’d rather see if I can commit to 30 days before I try 90. I know that 30 Day Shred has a lot of push-up type workouts because I have tired it before, so I’m going to modify and do stuff on my elbows or do lunges or something else instead until my hand heals… but I need to figure out something QUICK so I can get toned up for the summer and go swimming. I wish I could do yoga, but I won’t be able to do the plank pose…unless I do that on my elbows as well… which I COULD do actually. I know yoga is a GREAT way to tone too. Hmm…

But I made  a new friend recently, and we’ve had several discussions about making our outings surrounded by something athletic-like hiking Stone Mountain, or working out together or kayaking or something. I’m excited about having a friend who seems so gung-ho about trying new things and doing athletic things. If I workout AND do something athletic with him, then that should be double calories burned and should hopefully speed up the process.

If I don’t see change in size or weight by November, then I’m DEFINITELY going to schedule an appointment to get my thyroid checked out and see if there’s anything I can do about it. I’m just anxious to get the weight off and become more toned. I KNOW I can do it, but my body needs to know I can do it! I also need to stop stressing over this.

*le sigh!* I haven’t seen change so far in my diet and exercise yet, but it’s only been a week. I’m hoping by the end of May I see toning and change and can move onward with the mission. I’ll try to do a better job with keep you all updated!

Ending here-until I write again!