I have a blog that no one reads, so I don’t know why I even write on this thing anymore. I guess it’s just become a place for me to vent about my life and for the possible chance of someone reading it. I’m INCREDIBLY frustrated with my weight and SERIOUSLY on the precipice of starting a liposuction/tummy tuck fund. I’ve been one this stupid journey for 3 years and I’m STILL not at my goal weight. When I started I was aiming to get to 180, but when I hit a plateau soon after Christmas, I decided to up my goal weight to 185…but sadly I STILL can’t even get there. I’m LITERALLY currently weighing in at 200lbs… and I can ONLY think of extremes to get me to lose this weight off. I’m MISERABLE in the way that I look. I don’t look good in a bathing suit, and I have the HUMONGOUS love handles that just hang over my pants like a muffin top. My arms STILL have a double wave. I’m depressed in the way that I look. I don’t understand how my boyfriend likes my body cause I hate it SO much.

I’ve changed my routine several times over the past several months…I’ve taken classes and I’ve been running trying to train for this half-marathon. I’m losing hope. Exercise for me has become a prevention mechanism…in that if I DON’T workout, then I’ll gain even MORE weight…just last week, I ate out two days in a row, and weight in at 205. I see a stomach that’s not going away…I’ve even been trying to take measurements since the scale isn’t moving, but I still measure the same inches on my waist, hip, and arms.Β  Everyone just tells me “it takes time”, but I’ve been doing this for 3 YEARS!!! I started this dumb-ass journey May 2008. It’s almost July 2011 and MOST people would be at their goal weight by now…but NOOOO! Unfortunate ME is still 20lbs away from my goal weight–and that distance from me goal weight seems to be getting farther and farther, even with the more I exercise.

I’m SERIOUSLY depressed in my weight right now. My self-esteem has decreased since losing the weight… I used to LOVE my body when I was heavier, but now I just feel like my flaws are more noticeable…I notice my flabby arms and love handles hanging over my jeans. Or my inner thigh cellulite. And I feel like anytime I talk to someone about it, they just give me some clichΓ©d response as to why I’m not losing the weight to try to make me feel better. Am I smaller than I was, yes, but why can’t I becoming that skinny girl that I want to be…with the flat stomach and toned arms? I HATE resistance training, so I’m trying to do something fun–hence the kickboxing class. I even started doing tricep push-ups this past weekend. I’m about to put myself on the extreme diet and literally cut out all the good tasting things and eat bland boring meals for the rest of my life.

I’m sitting in my room, crying and sulking, after an unsuccessful run (And I say unsuccessful because I ran under a 5k and burned less than 500 calories) and even feeling like I need to go back and go run some more. I’m not in the mood to eat anything either…and I’ve barely even eaten anything today. Tonight I might be going to bed early and not eating dinner…which I know is bad, but I just feel disgusted right now.

Anyway–I’m about to take a shower and rethink things and try to mentally move away from it. Or go back downstairs and try to finish my 4.5 mile run (I have another 2mi left to go). Maybe this run should just be with some music and I can zone out for a little while and forget about life. I’m a little too upset to think about going downstairs and going running again…I guess today’s just going to have to be a bad day for me…There’s always Friday (kickboxing again) and Saturday (shooting for a 5 mile run) and I can make it up on Sunday (4 mile run). Then I guess Monday is a switch–so I guess a 5K run with some weight-training with the boyfriend, Tuesday and Wed back to KB class, Thurs a 6 mile run, Friday KB, Sat running again. Then take Sunday off.

This is going to be a tough two weeks…but I MUST do it. Here goes to to nothing!