I’m having a pretty down day today when it comes to exercise. My scheduled workout today was This Is Tae Bo dvd and Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred. I started the Tae Bo dvd and completed it (which I didn’t do the first time I attempted it), and then made my way to complete 30 Day Shred, which I didn’t. I only did 12 minutes of it, before I just gave up feeling like “what’s the point?”

The gym in our house has a wall of mirrors which I HATE with a PASSION! I spend the whole time down there staring at myself nit-picking every roll and jiggle while I workout… and it doesn’t make me more enthusiastic to continue… because every day when I go down there, I still see the same tire around my waist and flabby arms. I feel like I’m BUSTING MY ASS in the gym, but I don’t feel like anything is changing. I’m gaining weight and nothing on my body looks more toned. I’ve been working out 4-5 days a week.

I HATE the way I look, in all honesty, and it’s COMPLETELY frustrating. I have lost my confidence in myself and I continue to see that fat, 250lbs girl that I used to be. I 100% have Fat Girl Syndrome. I still see myself as someone with a pretty face. The more and more I bust my ass and the further and further away I am from coming CLOSE to looking like I want to, the less and less security I have in myself.  My boyfriend is always frustrated with me because he wishes I’d see myself the way he sees me…He thinks I look AMAZING and tells me how much of an inspiration I am to him. And a coworker the other day said she’d be happy if she were my size… why am I not happy?

When I was 250lbs I strutted around like nobody’s business and was very proud of myself… I don’t feel proud of myself anymore. I feel like a failure. I see all these people reaching their goal weights and being successful… every week I see someone on My Fitness Pal who’s lost another pound or two and I’m jealous. I want to be logging my weight-loss success. I’ve changed up my routine, I’ve changed up my diet… Besides going to the extreme and cutting things out of my diet, I don’t see myself being able to lose anymore weight. I’m frustrated with being stuck. I was hoping this year things would click and I’d see a steady decline. It’s 15 freaking pounds!!! And I can’t get it off of me.

People think I’m joking around when I tell them I’m saving for lipsocution… I’m not kidding! I’m just more interested in getting the fat sucked out of me at this point. I feel like I’m doing everything right and nothing’s working! I’ve tried eating closer to 1200, I’ve tired eating 1600, I’ve tired burning 500+ calories per day. I’m eating fruits and veggies…I was doing soup and salad for a while… I take a multivitamin & omega complex… was doing protien fruit smoothies… I focus on my diet like a BANSHEE that when someone incorrectly says how many calories are in something…I correct them with the REAL value… I don’t know of ANYONE who thinks about this crap as much as I do! And after workouts like today…I don’t even feel like eating anymore because I feel like it’s all just going to stick to my waist and arms anyway.

I’m REALLY going to schedule an appointment with my doctor and go talk to him. This is REALLY frustrating. I’m just REALLY disappointed in the process thus far. All the numbers are adding up, but I’m not seeing any results. People tell me to be happy with where I’m at, but I don’t think anyone REALLY gets it. I’ve been trying to lose the last 15lbs going on 2 years now! Why is this SO DAMN DIFFICULT??? I wanted to complete 30 Day Shred so I could be proud of myself for accomplishing something, but I’m not even successful at THAT anymore. I gave up around day 15…as always!

I just don’t get where I went? I used to be this happy go-lucky girl, and now I’m just a miserable work-aholic. My friends have noticed a change in me. It’s like my optimism started going out the window with the weight loss… I just wonder if I’m the only person who has become LESS confident in themselves with losing weight-cause I feel like I’m the only one. I hate the Jennifer Hudson commercials because I DON’T feel like that AT ALL–it’s not a reality to me. But then again, I’m not a size 6 like she is after losing 50+ lbs. I’m only a size 12. I just jiggle a little too much for my taste for all the miles I run and cardio I do and the weight-training I’ve BEEN doing. And I’m STILL 200lbs… When will I NOT see a -2- at the beginning of the number on the scale???

I’m in my week 4 slump…I should have gotten up earlier this morning and gotten my workout over with. I probably wouldn’t have felt this way now if I had. This is why I can’t stay at home all day on my off days. I just become miserable. And by 5pm, I don’t even feel like going anywhere at that point anyway.

Just Frustrated and in a SUPER bad mood.

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