Earlier during my free time at work, I wrote, like on pen and paper, down what I was going to type up tonight in my blog, but after today, I’m feeling a little different. I’ll probably post my earlier thoughts tomorrow or another day.

Today, has been a pretty exhausting day. Not that it was anything TOO extreme, but I was up at 7:20, went to work, and then spent the afternoon running errands. I got home around 4 and was WIPED OUT! I told myself I was going to take a nap and then later get up and get a workout in. I failed on both things. I ended up going to my room, where I managed to pig out a little and then laid in bed all evening. It’s now 10pm and I’m even more exhausted than I was earlier. I’m only awake enough to type this because it’s been on my mind all evening… What’s been on my mind all evening you ask? Well this: I might just have to accept the facts! I may never lose another pound again.

Because of the stubbornness my body has been showing lately and the lack of overall sliming via toning from strength training, I started taking measures into my own hands. After watching hours and hours of Doctor Oz and listening to his methods of boosting metabolism and burning fat, I went on a quest to the vitamin shop. I managed to purchase a metabolism booster, fat burner, and toning aid supplements. I was told that the combination would be a SURE fire way for me to get these last couple of pound off, since the combination was only to be used 12-16 weeks anyway. I’m now on day 6 of taking the combination and I don’t really see a change. I MIGHT have burned a little fat off my waistline, but when I measured my waistline, it was exactly the same. I mean I know things take time, but maybe I was hoping that within the first week I’d see a slight difference–sometimes I wish I could ger results like The Biggest Loser contestants–see a physical change. My weight and inches are ALL the same. I’m going to give it more time, the whole combination, but we shall see how it goes.

This weekend at work it was suggested to me that I try to cut back on evening carbs and pick up another day of cardio. Mentally, I was like, cool! I can do that. But we’re on day 3 and I failed. Day 1 and 2 were good, day 3, I totally slipped. After coming back from running all my errands, I managed to eat a bag of popcorn and a piece of candy. I felt SO guilty for eating it. I told myself that my workout would counter act that, but I never got up and worked out. My dinner, on the other hand, a tuna salad stuffed tomato, was very healthy, but my afternoon snacks were pretty bad. I spent all afternoon trying to tell myself to get up, get changed into my workout clothes and do SOMETHING–30 minute run, Tae Bo video, yoga even…but I did nothing, nada.

I sit back thinking the amount of time I spent telling myself to get up and go, I would have been done with my workout already… but I spent all that time sitting in bed. I’ve hit a brick wall… like I REALLY have no clue where to go from here.  Outside of needing to get my thyroid checked and fighting genetics, I don’t feel like what I’m doing is SO bad that I shouldn’t be losing weight. I’m working out 4 days of the week, which is reasonable considering my busy schedule. And I’m eating pretty healthy for the most part. Like any normal human, I have some fat days and over eat, and like today, slip up on my diet (with ONLY ONE piece of candy), but that 220 delicious chocolate & caramel covered pecans, feels like I totally ruined the 1.5 hours of exercise I’ve put in this week and counteracted all the diet watching and fat burner and other supplements I’ve been taking.

**Sidenote, I’m STARVING right now as I type this, even though I’ve over eaten on my caloric intake goal for the day.**

Cutting my PM carbs down has made me feel hungrier at night. I’m trying to resist eating anything, but I discovered today that I can drink the protein shake I bought which is only 6-7g of carbs for 18g of protein and 100 calories. I DID read on My Fitness Pal discussion post that this guy normally eats 200-300 calories over his caloric goal because he eats a high protein diet-something that I’m working towards–high protein and low carbs. It all seems easy, right? It’s really frustrating because I honestly just DON’T get what’s going on. I feel like it’s DEFINITELY time to get my thyroid checked with the doctor, explain to him everything I’ve been trying and doing, and see if he can give me some advice… or tell me if this new stuff I’m trying is worth it. I POSSIBLY can’t be the only one going through this. But when I read the blogs and walls, no one talks about struggling this much. They say “oh, I just started weight training and it got me through my plateau” or “if you’re not losing weight, it’s your diet”. But I’ve adjusted both.

I’ve also been recommended p90x or Insanity… but p90x is called that because it’s 90 minutes long! I’ve tried it, but I just can’t mentally devote 90 minutes to weight training–high INTENSE weight training. 30 minutes of Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred is tough to get through (and the only strength training video I’ve been able to stick with). I’ve completed 25 days using 3lb dumbbells and now am starting back over using 5lb dumbbells. And my plans is to continue to work my way up to level 3 again and then try her Shred-It with Weights video after I finished 30 days of 30 Day Shred with 5 lbs.

**sigh** I don’t even know if anything about this post flows at all…I’m really just venting out my frustrations. I’m trying to be positive, I REALLY am… thinking all these little tweeks will add up, especially since I’ve cut back on carbs and have to adjust my body to feeling full off fiber and protein. I know it takes time. But by year 4, I had REALLY hoped I’d be at my goal weight by now, and NOT still looking at the 200s. I’m honestly doing the BEST I can diet AND exercise wise. I may have an Olympic athlete sister, but she’s not a 24/7 personal trainer, especially when she’s not here 9 months of the year. Ideally, it would be great if I could do p90x and workout 5 days a week, but as of right now, I just don’t have the physically energy. Knowing that I struggle to pick up an extra day of exercise, I try my best to eat as healthy as I can, with the exception to Saturdays and Sundays (my 14hr days). I’m just at a loss. I’m not going to give up on having overall health-I will continue to workout and watch my diet, because as my boyfriend said, “I’d never be the person in the relationship to gain weight because I’d wig out about it” (I’m sure he’s concerned on how I’m going to act post-baby… I’m kind of concerned about how I’m going to act post baby–I’m not pregnant now, I mean when I get pregnant-like 5 years from now), but I’m eventually I might have to learn to accept the fact that I will ALWAYS be this weight and for the most part, always look this way. It’s the body that God gave me and I have changed it as much as I can. It’s the facts.

And I will learn to change my motivation to non-scale victories: running my half-marathon (coming up in 2 weeks), running a dirty mud run, and maybe even attempting an Iron Girl Triathlon. At least then I will have proof that I’m an athlete.

But it’s pretty late now and I want to get to bed. Good night.