Well, today included a MAJOR mental set back.

Let me preface: I’ve been doing Turbo Fire for 2 weeks now and started a new REALLY strict diet on Thursday. I stuck to it really well and in a few short days dropped 1.2lbs, going from 203 to 201.8. I was kind of excited and optimistic that maybe something was finally working. If you read my last post, I had a discussion with my sister about how many calories to eat and what type of diet to be on.

So, Sunday was Easter, and needless to say, a coworker brought chocolate… I tried to resist…but I failed majorly (although I DID only stick to 1 serving size). And then for lunch, I walked with a coworker to pick up food that some other people ordered (I wanted some sunlight and to get out of the unit). On the walk, my coworker stopped into this breakfast place and I took one look at the menu and told myself I HAD to try it. I succumbed to 2 sweet potato pancakes and roti bread…I know–ALL carbs. I was VERY happy in the moment of eating it, but kind of disappointed in myself for not sticking to the lunch I brought (grilled chicken and broccoli and cheese). Had I JUST eaten my lunch (and snacks) as planned, I would have been fine (even WITH eating the serving size of chocolate eggs). With as much walking I do at work, I would burn the 200 calories of chocolate off. But let me be honest, I did not feel THAT guilty about not sticking to my diet on Sunday, because I stuck to it on Saturday (which I was really proud of).

So… on to today: when I woke up this morning, I was feeling pretty great and even pretty slim-I actually liked the outfit I picked out to wear to work… and was feeling pretty confident this morning. I had a protein filled breakfast, packed my snacks and lunch–I didn’t stray at all. I’ve even cut back on my dairy intake as well (outside of coffee, which I try to portion control). I was feeling kind of blah when I got of work today, so I grabbed an iced grande Skinny Caramel Macchiato for a little pick me up, went to drop my car off at the shop, and did some browsing at the mall across the street.

I step inside the GAP, a store that, since weight loss, fits my body well, but today… not so much. I was looking for some shorts and cute tops to wear on dates with my boyfriend and pre-planning for the vacation he & I are taking at the end of July… I tried on shorts after shorts and hated how my stomach just FLOPPED right over–creating a huge wheel of a muffin top. I was mortified looking at my body. I kept saying “maybe this is just a bad pair”… but when I tried on the next pair… same thing. And then I would look at my thighs and see all the cellulite and flab-I felt SO disgusting.

I’m frustrated that my body doesn’t seem to be toning and in all honesty, it feels like I’m developing loose skin. I was looking at an MFP forum of “Having lost the post-baby tummy”, and a lot of the post-baby photos (prior to exercise) is how my stomach looks… except–I haven’t popped out any kids. 😦 Even when I tighten my abs and biceps, the skin falls right over or flabs or jiggles over it. I’m SERIOUSLY contemplating going to talk to my doctor about my metabolism and my skin and etcetera. I feel like if the Turbo Fire program doesn’t give me “good” results, or any results, outside of possibly sending it back, I feel I’m going to get a tummy tuck or lipo or something. I know it’s a cop-out, but I want to be happy at the body I see when I look in the mirror. I’m REALLY contemplating it–It will obviously take me some time to save up for all of that… but I’m considering it. I just want to look like the fit/athletic girl that I’ve become, but I look at myself and don’t feel like I match my ability—I mean even this–for the first time, I was actually able to do 5 push-ups, on my toes-not knees! I was very proud of myself. I can somewhat do tricep push-ups starting on my toes (I can go down, but am still struggling pushing myself back up). And my boyfriend was really impressed with my core strength when we did the Turbo Fire Core 20 video together… but my body doesn’t look like someone who has a strong core, can do some push-ups and etc… And it’s sad because my students look at me and doubt me when I say I can do something.

Following that horrifying adventure, I got to my car and called my boyfriend and started crying. I’m not happy in my own skin. I look in the mirror and still see the fat girl I used to be and what’s worse is the weight on the scale matches how I feel. I know I shouldn’t focus on the scale, but I’m not losing inches either. I’m sore and tired all the time from my workouts too. I don’t always get the rest I need, but I try to for the most part. I’m positive my stress isn’t helping matters either. The exercise isn’t helping  me to relieve my stress like it used too… I’m stressed about my life direction and lack of weight loss… and to be honest–I almost completely feel lost in life and feel like I’m going through the motions of my life. I wake up, go to work, come home, workout, sleep… to do the same thing the next day. I used to know that I was working so much to save for a dream, but it feels as if that dream slipped through my fingers, and now I’m questioning why I’m working so much. So… I need to find some sort of stress relief too.

Anyway-it’s getting late. I need to get to bed. G’night; workout tomorrow– Turbo Fire HIIT 20 and a good 3-4 mile run.

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