If there was one thing most people didn’t know about me it’s this: I have the worst body image issues… And I hate my body most days. I still find myself finding clothes to cover up in, I want to go back to wearing one piece or tankini bathing suits, and while I bought shorts to wear this summer, there’s only 1 pair I feel comfortable wearing because the other pairs I feel people will look at my legs and gag at the cellulite on them. I feel like I’m still just a girl with a pretty face.

I have also learned to despise exercise and I have the hardest time sticking to my diet because I just say “nothing’s working anyway, so I might as well eat what I want vs restricting myself”. It’s day 2 of telling myself low carb, and I failed both days and am now in a miserable rut.

I have been trying various supplements for 2 months and still nothing. No change. The stupid scale still says 200+ lbs and I HATE that number. I miss even being 195 or even 198. I feel overweight every time I look in the mirror. I hate my stomach…and my thighs. I feel like my stomach looks like a woman’s post-baby…but I haven’t had a baby NOR ever been pregnant. Ehh! 200 just SOUNDS like a fat person’s number.

Exercising isn’t even fun anymore to me. I used to LOVE waking up, getting my workout in, and felt so alive, but I’ve been working out like crazy without any result, that exercising has become an obligation to NOT become the fat cow I once was and feels more like a chore.

I am SO unmotivated as well…and I don’t have anyone to workout with me… It’s just me, myself, and I-kicking along to turbo fire in the living room… or running alone. No one there to help push me farther…so when I’m tired,  I quit. Like tonight. I WAS going to do a 60 minute run… but at 20 mins I wasn’t into it & my stomach was hurting, so at 35 minutes, I just stopped. I think running would be MORE fun if I had people to run WITH. The people closest to me location-wise could care LESS about exercise. And while running races has been fun in the past…this past weekend was kind of lonely… I ran a mud run, only to finish with no one there watching me..and no one there running WITH me. The camera personnel even SKIPPED taking a photo of me because I was by myself. I had to ASK to get a photo. I had to MAKE myself have fun at the race by getting extra muddy–but I probably just looked like a pig rolling in the mud.

I always get like this where I get in this mental rut… and I’m SO disgusted with myself. I’m so discouraged. I’m not going to lie…I DO want a quick fix…I’ve spent 2 years trying to get smaller, and I don’t see any changes what-so-ever. I don’t feel smaller either. I should probably go ahead and send this turbo fire program back too and get my money back for that… After 30 days of sticking with that program, I didn’t get any results… I was the exact same size and weight.

Why doesn’t yoga and running and 30 Day Shred and Turbo Fire build up muscle? I HATE weight training and I HATE that I don’t have someone here to do it with me…maybe if someone would do it with me, I’d care more about it…but I don’t. I feel like I have THE WORST genes in history… I have a slow metabolism, I don’t burn calories the same way NORMAL people do, and I have to workout 2x harder than everyone else in order to lose weight. I feel like where most people would burn a calorie in 5 steps…it takes me 12 to burn 1 calories…and I feel like I’m not losing weight because I’m not burning 1000 calories EACH workout.

All this, on top of the lack of progression in my career, is making me stressed out. And the stress isn’t helping me either. While I could stress & not eat for days…I’d gain weight, where normal people would stay the same or lose.

I’m miserable… This weekend has me feeling FULL of regret (cause I haven’t eaten much today) and I don’t even feel like eating anything anymore.

This just feels like the year of set backs for me… am I SO wrong for wanting more for myself??? People always argue with me when I talk about how unhappy I am…they say I should just appreciate where I’m not…but why should I just settle for that? I WANT to be a smaller size…what’s so wrong with that? and I want more from myself and my life… And I want people around me who CARE about being healthy and not eating like a pig and eating 5 plates and eating out ALL the time…

>_< AGGGGHHHHHHH

Anyway–I just purchased a body wrap…while I know they aren’t long lasting, I’m going to schedule mine for right before I leave for Costa Rica… (a trip I’m too scared to buy a bathing suit for right now). I was hoping to look HOT by that time, but I don’t know if 3 months is going to make a difference in the fact that the past 4 haven’t. Or maybe they will because I’ll practically be in starvation mode–giving up all the GOOD food in life…eating basically chicken and some kind of vegetable every day.

Whoever said you can eat everything you want in moderation to lose weight, as long as you’re still working out, has obviously never stepped in my shoes…

Anyway–off to bed to be at work tomorrow… I’m so OVERIT.com!

**PS: I avoided hanging by the pool with my family purposely all weekend because I felt disgusting in my bathing suit. I gave away all my tankini’s because they were too big, so the only thing I have left are bikini’s & I didn’t want anyone to see my gut**

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