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I’m sorry if this post offends anyone, but I was uberly disturbed by what I’m about to talk about:

A couple of days ago, I went to Dr. Oz website to look a recipe for one of the meals he was making on the show. After finding the recipe, I came across a stream of videos related to the fattest women in America. I took some time and watched the various stream of movies and was UBERLY disturbed by it. The video profiled about 8-10 women, half of which were apart of a Feederism community and content with being as overweight and the other half, anxious to get information from Doc Oz to help them to lose weight.

As I listened to these feederist women’s stories, I was disturbed by their habits–one lady’s ultimate goal weight was to be 1600lbs!!!! I was FLOORED! Who could POSSIBLY be sane enough to think that being 1600lbs is okay? She claimed that in HER mind, she was living a healthy lifestyle because some of her daily acitivies included doing a couple of sit-ups, going for walks, and some other low-impact exercise, like swimming, but then when she discussed her daily eating habits, she said that on an average she eats 4000 calories a day and has even eaten up to 20K in one day… 20K CALORIES??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? You MUST be joking! I hate to say this, but I LITERALLY gagged when they showed what one or two meals looked like.

I don’t mean this entry to be judgmental, but I’m honestly AMAZED there are people out there who WANT to be overweight–like not just overweight by a few pounds, but GROSSLY/MORBIDLY overweight (and I mean grossly in medical terms, not as in “ew”). I was watching the clips and remembered my days of being 253lbs. Everything from the beginning of my weight loss journey–like the steps leading me up to losing weight-flashed through my head: my photos from Puerto Rico in my bathing suit, my indigestion and heartburn, anxiety attacks, a joke my sister and I made a LONG time ago about being a “cow” if I were 250lbs (at the time of the joke I was around 220lbs and 250 seems SOO far away). I don’t understand how anyone would WANT to be overweight. I have lost 50 pounds and I bust my butt to keep the weight off, trying to counteract my sometimes bad habits and bad influences like family and friends. I think about ALL the work it has taken me to get to where I am today and I think about ALL the struggling I’m going through now to even lose a pound.

I really just don’t understand this mentality and I am sad to know there are people out there supporting this nasty habit by sending them gift cards to McDs and the like and paying them to over eat on camera. My own mentality has changed a lot since losing weight.

I know I’m looking at the picture through my own eyes now. I DO remember at a heavier weight how confident I was in myself and had ignored what I looked like really. So, if they are TRULY happy with the weight they are at, then more power to them, but I know for myself, that is just somewhere I never want to be and somewhere I am scared I might end up if I quit working out and watching my diet.

**Just needed to reflect**

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If there was one thing most people didn’t know about me it’s this: I have the worst body image issues… And I hate my body most days. I still find myself finding clothes to cover up in, I want to go back to wearing one piece or tankini bathing suits, and while I bought shorts to wear this summer, there’s only 1 pair I feel comfortable wearing because the other pairs I feel people will look at my legs and gag at the cellulite on them. I feel like I’m still just a girl with a pretty face.

I have also learned to despise exercise and I have the hardest time sticking to my diet because I just say “nothing’s working anyway, so I might as well eat what I want vs restricting myself”. It’s day 2 of telling myself low carb, and I failed both days and am now in a miserable rut.

I have been trying various supplements for 2 months and still nothing. No change. The stupid scale still says 200+ lbs and I HATE that number. I miss even being 195 or even 198. I feel overweight every time I look in the mirror. I hate my stomach…and my thighs. I feel like my stomach looks like a woman’s post-baby…but I haven’t had a baby NOR ever been pregnant. Ehh! 200 just SOUNDS like a fat person’s number.

Exercising isn’t even fun anymore to me. I used to LOVE waking up, getting my workout in, and felt so alive, but I’ve been working out like crazy without any result, that exercising has become an obligation to NOT become the fat cow I once was and feels more like a chore.

I am SO unmotivated as well…and I don’t have anyone to workout with me… It’s just me, myself, and I-kicking along to turbo fire in the living room… or running alone. No one there to help push me farther…so when I’m tired,  I quit. Like tonight. I WAS going to do a 60 minute run… but at 20 mins I wasn’t into it & my stomach was hurting, so at 35 minutes, I just stopped. I think running would be MORE fun if I had people to run WITH. The people closest to me location-wise could care LESS about exercise. And while running races has been fun in the past…this past weekend was kind of lonely… I ran a mud run, only to finish with no one there watching me..and no one there running WITH me. The camera personnel even SKIPPED taking a photo of me because I was by myself. I had to ASK to get a photo. I had to MAKE myself have fun at the race by getting extra muddy–but I probably just looked like a pig rolling in the mud.

I always get like this where I get in this mental rut… and I’m SO disgusted with myself. I’m so discouraged. I’m not going to lie…I DO want a quick fix…I’ve spent 2 years trying to get smaller, and I don’t see any changes what-so-ever. I don’t feel smaller either. I should probably go ahead and send this turbo fire program back too and get my money back for that… After 30 days of sticking with that program, I didn’t get any results… I was the exact same size and weight.

Why doesn’t yoga and running and 30 Day Shred and Turbo Fire build up muscle? I HATE weight training and I HATE that I don’t have someone here to do it with me…maybe if someone would do it with me, I’d care more about it…but I don’t. I feel like I have THE WORST genes in history… I have a slow metabolism, I don’t burn calories the same way NORMAL people do, and I have to workout 2x harder than everyone else in order to lose weight. I feel like where most people would burn a calorie in 5 steps…it takes me 12 to burn 1 calories…and I feel like I’m not losing weight because I’m not burning 1000 calories EACH workout.

All this, on top of the lack of progression in my career, is making me stressed out. And the stress isn’t helping me either. While I could stress & not eat for days…I’d gain weight, where normal people would stay the same or lose.

I’m miserable… This weekend has me feeling FULL of regret (cause I haven’t eaten much today) and I don’t even feel like eating anything anymore.

This just feels like the year of set backs for me… am I SO wrong for wanting more for myself??? People always argue with me when I talk about how unhappy I am…they say I should just appreciate where I’m not…but why should I just settle for that? I WANT to be a smaller size…what’s so wrong with that? and I want more from myself and my life… And I want people around me who CARE about being healthy and not eating like a pig and eating 5 plates and eating out ALL the time…

>_< AGGGGHHHHHHH

Anyway–I just purchased a body wrap…while I know they aren’t long lasting, I’m going to schedule mine for right before I leave for Costa Rica… (a trip I’m too scared to buy a bathing suit for right now). I was hoping to look HOT by that time, but I don’t know if 3 months is going to make a difference in the fact that the past 4 haven’t. Or maybe they will because I’ll practically be in starvation mode–giving up all the GOOD food in life…eating basically chicken and some kind of vegetable every day.

Whoever said you can eat everything you want in moderation to lose weight, as long as you’re still working out, has obviously never stepped in my shoes…

Anyway–off to bed to be at work tomorrow… I’m so OVERIT.com!

**PS: I avoided hanging by the pool with my family purposely all weekend because I felt disgusting in my bathing suit. I gave away all my tankini’s because they were too big, so the only thing I have left are bikini’s & I didn’t want anyone to see my gut**

Shopping Woes

Well, today included a MAJOR mental set back.

Let me preface: I’ve been doing Turbo Fire for 2 weeks now and started a new REALLY strict diet on Thursday. I stuck to it really well and in a few short days dropped 1.2lbs, going from 203 to 201.8. I was kind of excited and optimistic that maybe something was finally working. If you read my last post, I had a discussion with my sister about how many calories to eat and what type of diet to be on.

So, Sunday was Easter, and needless to say, a coworker brought chocolate… I tried to resist…but I failed majorly (although I DID only stick to 1 serving size). And then for lunch, I walked with a coworker to pick up food that some other people ordered (I wanted some sunlight and to get out of the unit). On the walk, my coworker stopped into this breakfast place and I took one look at the menu and told myself I HAD to try it. I succumbed to 2 sweet potato pancakes and roti bread…I know–ALL carbs. I was VERY happy in the moment of eating it, but kind of disappointed in myself for not sticking to the lunch I brought (grilled chicken and broccoli and cheese). Had I JUST eaten my lunch (and snacks) as planned, I would have been fine (even WITH eating the serving size of chocolate eggs). With as much walking I do at work, I would burn the 200 calories of chocolate off. But let me be honest, I did not feel THAT guilty about not sticking to my diet on Sunday, because I stuck to it on Saturday (which I was really proud of).

So… on to today: when I woke up this morning, I was feeling pretty great and even pretty slim-I actually liked the outfit I picked out to wear to work… and was feeling pretty confident this morning. I had a protein filled breakfast, packed my snacks and lunch–I didn’t stray at all. I’ve even cut back on my dairy intake as well (outside of coffee, which I try to portion control). I was feeling kind of blah when I got of work today, so I grabbed an iced grande Skinny Caramel Macchiato for a little pick me up, went to drop my car off at the shop, and did some browsing at the mall across the street.

I step inside the GAP, a store that, since weight loss, fits my body well, but today… not so much. I was looking for some shorts and cute tops to wear on dates with my boyfriend and pre-planning for the vacation he & I are taking at the end of July… I tried on shorts after shorts and hated how my stomach just FLOPPED right over–creating a huge wheel of a muffin top. I was mortified looking at my body. I kept saying “maybe this is just a bad pair”… but when I tried on the next pair… same thing. And then I would look at my thighs and see all the cellulite and flab-I felt SO disgusting.

I’m frustrated that my body doesn’t seem to be toning and in all honesty, it feels like I’m developing loose skin. I was looking at an MFP forum of “Having lost the post-baby tummy”, and a lot of the post-baby photos (prior to exercise) is how my stomach looks… except–I haven’t popped out any kids. 😦 Even when I tighten my abs and biceps, the skin falls right over or flabs or jiggles over it. I’m SERIOUSLY contemplating going to talk to my doctor about my metabolism and my skin and etcetera. I feel like if the Turbo Fire program doesn’t give me “good” results, or any results, outside of possibly sending it back, I feel I’m going to get a tummy tuck or lipo or something. I know it’s a cop-out, but I want to be happy at the body I see when I look in the mirror. I’m REALLY contemplating it–It will obviously take me some time to save up for all of that… but I’m considering it. I just want to look like the fit/athletic girl that I’ve become, but I look at myself and don’t feel like I match my ability—I mean even this–for the first time, I was actually able to do 5 push-ups, on my toes-not knees! I was very proud of myself. I can somewhat do tricep push-ups starting on my toes (I can go down, but am still struggling pushing myself back up). And my boyfriend was really impressed with my core strength when we did the Turbo Fire Core 20 video together… but my body doesn’t look like someone who has a strong core, can do some push-ups and etc… And it’s sad because my students look at me and doubt me when I say I can do something.

Following that horrifying adventure, I got to my car and called my boyfriend and started crying. I’m not happy in my own skin. I look in the mirror and still see the fat girl I used to be and what’s worse is the weight on the scale matches how I feel. I know I shouldn’t focus on the scale, but I’m not losing inches either. I’m sore and tired all the time from my workouts too. I don’t always get the rest I need, but I try to for the most part. I’m positive my stress isn’t helping matters either. The exercise isn’t helping  me to relieve my stress like it used too… I’m stressed about my life direction and lack of weight loss… and to be honest–I almost completely feel lost in life and feel like I’m going through the motions of my life. I wake up, go to work, come home, workout, sleep… to do the same thing the next day. I used to know that I was working so much to save for a dream, but it feels as if that dream slipped through my fingers, and now I’m questioning why I’m working so much. So… I need to find some sort of stress relief too.

Anyway-it’s getting late. I need to get to bed. G’night; workout tomorrow– Turbo Fire HIIT 20 and a good 3-4 mile run.

Turbo Fire-Week 2

Monday will start week 3 of Turbo Fire. I’m not seeing any noticeable weight/size differences thus far, but I have been doing GREAT with sticking to the workout program. I have a couple of nonscale victories: yesterday’s Sculpt 30 video had push-ups. I challenged myself to do the full push-up (On my toes) and I almost could go down all the way to the floor and come back up. I am physically getting stronger, which is good to see. I’m still not seeing anymore muscle definition, but I’ll give it some time.

Yesterday my sister watched me do my workout. She told me that while the workouts were good for the time being and are a good change up from the regular running I’ve been doing, the video probably wouldn’t give me any major muscle build-up. I could build up some, and it’ll help me tone a little, but it seems like I’m going to have to start lifting heavy in order to get the results I REALLY, TRULY want… Disappointing news, to say the least, because I HATE weight-training. She recommended that I complete Turbo Fire and maybe after I’m done with the program I might be more motivated to lift. I have a hard time self-motivating myself to lift. If someone were with me, I would probably do it more frequently… at least starting off. Maybe after the 6 week mark, I’d be able to push myself.

I’m still not successful with losing weight or even inches. I’m still struggling. My sister is going to help me on the diet frontier. I think for the most part (Monday thru Friday), I’m okay–what I REALLY need help with is my weekends. I tend to eat like crap and I want to learn how to eat for 14 hour days, providing me with the necessary energy & satisfaction to get me through the day, and prevent me from overeating or pigging out on sweets. I’m putting myself on a new strict diet– giving up the sweets, junk foods, and sodas and try to be more consciously aware of the food I’m ordering when I go out to eat. I also discussed with her the amount of calories I should eat. I was using the body weight calculation program and calculating how many calories I should eat for the weight I WANT to be at and using that as my calorie goal, but she told me that it was probably too high because my RMR is probably not as high as the math is saying, so I am now restricted to eating ~1800 calories, no more than 2000, and try to only eat back about half of my exercise calories versus all of them. Yesterday I did that, eating around 1800 calories for the day, even with exercise, and incorporated more vegetables into my dinner to fill me up.

Since starting Turbo Fire, I have been working out 5 days a week. To catch up with the program, I did a double workout this past Monday. I am really going to aim to get my Saturday and Sunday workouts in, even after my 14 hour days. The schedule has Wednesday as off days for the first month, but I think I am going to workout that day-making it a light run day. I didn’t workout this Wednesday, so now I have to push this weekend to do the workouts.

I’m REALLY hoping to get some good results out of this program. There is a 90 day money back guarantee, so if by day 60 I don’t see any results, I’m mailing the program back. I DO know I’m not going to get great results if I don’t eat right. I spent last Thursday-Tuesday at my boyfriend’s apartment and I ALWAYS eat like crap when I’m at his place, so I know that kind of counteracted all the exercise I did. But Wednesday, I came back home and while Wednesday was a bad eating day, Thursday I got back on my diet and today I’m doing my best to eat right–so far, so good.

But another reason I think for my failure in weight-loss is stress. I have been under a LOT of stress lately and while I try not to think about it, the stress still comes up. I try to exercise and forget about the things causing the stress in my life, but I can’t seem to fully discard them. It’s one of those things that I won’t be able to feel content about until I know for sure. I’m on a waiting game waiting for feedback, and won’t officially know until June 4th, if not earlier. I’m a little frustrated with how my life is going. I have a tendency to complain to my boyfriend about it–it’s always in the back of my mind. And the sad thing about it is, there REALLY isn’t anything I can do about it. I have done my part, and at this point, just have to wait.

I’m frustrated that everything I’m trying to work on to improve my life isn’t going anywhere. My weight loss, trying to better my career, trying to grow up… my efforts don’t seem to be working. I feel stuck and I’m not sure what to do. I planned a vacation, but sadly it isn’t until the end of July. I’ve been trying to get more rest to combat with the stress–sadly I feel like that is only lasting until today. This past week was spring break and so while I had the week off and slept in most days, it’s back to work tomorrow–up at 5am. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I’m used to commuting from my boyfriend’s apartment on the weekends, but since I spent several days in a row at his place earlier this week, I decided not to go this weekend, so now I have to be up an hour earlier than I usual. So, tonight I have to cook lunch and pack my snacks and meals for tomorrow and try to plan for something to eat when I get off so that I can come home and get my workout in. I wish I could workout before work, but waking up earlier is not going to get me home earlier… but then again, I might be more energetic the rest of the day… I don’t know. My efforts to wake up and workout before work are usually a bust and I find myself craving the extra hour of sleep versus sweating it off, but I know I feel MUCH better when I workout earlier in the day. I’ll take a look at my schedule and try to get to bed by 8:30-9pm in order to be up at 4am to get the workout in.

The other thing I have to figure out is when I’m going to get my runs in. With doing Turbo Fire, I have been less inclined to go for my runs. I did one run last week, and had planned on doing a run yesterday (but never got around to it). I need to figure out a run schedule and will probably have to do two-a-days two to three days a week to get my runs in. I am running the Peachtree Road Race, and if I don’t get my runs in, I’ll loose my “running shape”. I was running 5 miles with ease, and since the Peachtree Road Race is 6.2 miles, it wouldn’t be hard to kick for one more mile, but that is only if I can maintain my running shape. So, I’m thinking I’ll have to start waking up earlier and maybe get my runs in before work, or do Turbo Fire before work and do my runs when I get home. I can utilize my Turbo Fire off days as my light running days, and maybe run on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays? I don’t want to run back-to-back days. I don’t know. I’m am struggling to try to figure this out. I wanted to run on my HIIT days, but those are Tues/Thurs, so far, with an off day Wednesday, and you’re not supposed to do HIIT days back to back, so I’d have to move Friday’s workout into Wednesday’s slot in order to decrease my workout days on the weekends, since those two days are harder for me to find the time to workout. OR just suck it up and deal with it and maybe with time it will become easier? Who knows…I need to figure this out for week 3. Any suggestions??? I have a lot of pushing to do, but maybe with the running, turbo fire program, and healthy eating, I can bust this fat off my body. I KNOW I’ll be burning lots of calories.

I will be taking my 4 week Turbo Fire photos at soon and will let you know if there is a difference or not. I’m hoping these 2.5 weeks of restricted-healthy eating will help in getting visible difference. But off to go get my workout in. Today is Day 12!

Just wanted to post a quick update.

Last Sunday, March 18th, I completed my first half-marathon, the Publix Georgia Half-Marathon. I successfully ran the first 9 miles (minus two stops to the bathroom), but I felt great after those 9 miles. Up until that point, my longest run had been 8.2 miles, which I ran 2 weeks prior to the race. After the first 5 miles, I felt like I was JUST getting started with the race. I felt GREAT.  I made 2 unexpected stops after mile 5, but I picked it back up and successfully ran the next 4 miles straight. I felt great when I got to mile 9. After we reached that mile marker, we turned the corner and were faced with the steepest hill of the race.  I tried to run up the hill, but I was jogging so slow, I was practically walking…so I started walking. I walked up the hill and as soon as the course started flattening out, I picked up the pace again. At that point I was starting to feel the pain in my legs–quad tightness. I wish I had been able to keep running, because I don’t feel like I would have felt it then and probably would have been able to reach mile 10. But I ran as much as I could for the race, and tried walking as little as I could. I feel like I ran about 12 out of the 13 miles in total. Outside of that hill, when I walked, it was only for about a minute or so, but nothing too long. I didn’t want to fully lose my momentum. I crossed the finish line in a sprint at 2:44:36. I wanted to get in before 2:45 and I did, roughly, by 30 seconds…so I was proud of myself for that. I was happy to have recieved my medal at the end of the race…and I could barely walk! lol Speaking of which, I need to go look up photos from the race and see what pictures were taken of me. I enjoyed running the race and was proud of myself. I even wore the medal to work the next day to show to my students… sadly no one really thought it was cool.

I definitely went ahead and registered for the next years Half-Marathon. I oddly inspired a couple of other people to do the race with my next year…so that will be exciting to have them join me. I also went ahead and placed a lottery ticket for the AJC Peachtree Road Race and GUESS WHAT? I GOT IN!!!!! I got the text from my bank saying my debit card was charged SUPER early this morning…and when I went to find out what company that was, I saw the Congratulations Email! I”m SO excited about running this race. I feel like I’m completing a bucket list of races that I never created before. The good thing, though, is that I can already run 5 miles pretty easily. I think I’m going to try to pick up my pace and start speed training. I’m going to do a 1 mile speed run once a week, interval speed training, and then a long run as my 3 runs for the week. So far, my best time for a 10K is like 1:10 hrs. If I can cut that down to just an hour, I will be pretty happy. It’s just something to try and aim for. I also feel that the speed training will probably help to burn some fat too.

Another thing I am going to start doing is Turbo Fire. I was reading about it on My Fitness Pal and saw people’s progress photos. It’s a high intense cardio workout with some sculpting workouts, made by the Beach Body company–the same people that do P90x. I’m pretty excited about starting this program and hope I get the same results as everyone else.  I don’t really care to lose my size so much, but I DEFINTIELY want to tone. I have been having various discussions with people, and I have yet to have one person say I look the weight that I am, which is good news. Most say they think I’m in the 170-180s and I even had one student think I was in the 160s (he would have gotten bonus points had I been his full time teacher! lol)

I have been doing Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred, but I really feel like it’s time to kick it up a notch. I figured with the 90 day money back guarentee, that if by day 60 I don’t see any changes, that I just mail the program back, but I truly felt it was time to make an investment towards my health. My sister’s wedding is in a month, and maybe in 30 days I’ll look like a completely different Bridesmaid. I’m excited about the nutritional guide it comes with and feel that maybe it’ll help me to “fix” my diet and I can learn to eat even better–eat more efficiently for my body so that I have successful results. I look forward to being able to post my photos. I will definitely keep you all updated on here. I’m trying to be very optimistic that this is going to be my breakthough and I can be done with this weight LOSS journey, once and for all, and continue to maintain my size.

But anyway–still no weight loss, and I’m still about the same size measurement wise, although some people think I look like I’ve lost some inches since I started taking the supplements. I feel like some of my belly fat has died off–my waistline does look more shaped out, so I guess that’s good news and I don’t feel as bloated after eating like usual.

That’s all the updates I have for now. I keep tracking for my Turbo Fire package…it’s in route and in my city…but not yet delivered. I am VERY anxious, can you tell? Hope you all are doing well!

Proof of a Job Well Done!

Just finished my 8.2 Mi Run March 9, 2012. 1hr 30 minutes

I know Wednesday I was kind of in a slump because I didn’t workout that day and I was feeling REALLY guilty and unproductive, but Thursday I got up, did my Jillian Michael’s video and laid it ALL out. I pushed harder then I normally do, and it showed in my burning about 30 more calories than usual. I have also tried REALLY hard to stick with the low carb thing. Last night we went to dinner at a Louisiana bistro. While almost EVERYTHING on the menu looked UBER delicious, a lot of it was high in carbs. I resisted the appetizers my mother ordered and the bread that came to the table (except for one, thumb sized piece–I had a headache at that point), had a caprese salad (tomato, mozzarella, pesto with oil and balsamic reduction), and for dinner I had blackened grilled chicken breast in a lemon herb cream sauce that came with shrimp risotto. I did eat some of the shrimp risotto (I tasted it and then couldn’t stop eating it! Managed to stick with only eating half of my order though). No dessert. But outside of the risotto, I did REALLY good with my meal.

And I might have broken through, in that today, I weighed in at 198.8! I’m hoping that this is a TRUE weight loss and not yo-yo pounds. I am hopeful that if I stick to what I’ve been doing (outside of changing up my workout), that I can continue to lose weight. But this entry isn’t about WEIGHT–it’s about the non-scale victories I’ve had this week–which 1) sticking to the low carb thing, and 2) I JUST RAN 8.2 MILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hopped on the treadmill and told myself that I was just going to run for time–whether I get to 5 miles or 10 miles, it didn’t matter. I just wanted to get to running an hour and a half. I hadn’t done it yet, and my half-marathon is in a week! But I did it today! I ran 90 minutes and completed 8.2 miles in that time! I’m SO freaking proud of myself at the accomplishment! I really can’t believe I did that! Like ALL running. It’s just funny how when I was in middle school, high school, and most of college I HATED running. I could barely run a mile when I was in middle school. It took my 15 minutes to do too! I always think back on the first day of basketball practice in middle school when we had to run a mile and I was the only one left running while the rest of the team was sitting on the ground waiting for me to finish. I don’t even know if I ran the whole thing THEN. But now I’m running 8 miles without stopping! And this was on a treadmill, which for me is HARDER. I prefer my long runs to be outside. I can do 5 miles on the treadmill, but past that, I get uber bored & tired of looking at myself in the mirror straight ahead. But since today is a rainy day, I had to find a way to get my long run in. I didn’t want to make an excuse–especially since I didn’t have to work today. I woke up around 8:30, ate breakfast and told myself I was going to get this workout in and over with once my breakfast digested and I didnt! Didn’t waste anytime!

Next week I’m going to go hard too! Well, on Monday or Wednesday, but I’ll be taking it lax after Wednesday. They say you should go light to rest up for the race. So, I wanted to go hard. My game plan for the race is to run as far as I can. I’m confident I can do 5 miles at least…but I REALLY want to run the MAJORITY of it. After today’s run, I’m confident that I can push myself to running 8 miles again. I ran the first 6 miles at my normal (what I call) my race pace. Then I slowed down my pace to a lighter jog, and then when I hit 7 picked up the pace again. I’m going to aim to do that on race day. If I can run 8 miles out of 13.1, then I’ll be pretty darn proud. I’m even giving myself room to walk 1 mile. I feel like speed walking 1 mile and then picking up the pace again, will allow me to complete 12 out of 13 miles running. But all in all–my goal is to just run as FAR as I can–even if it’s just a slow jogging pace. I’m not racing for time–I’m racing for completion! I’m racing for my sticker (which I HOPE I get, and my medal! My sister won’t be the only one in the house with a medal now! (Granted she still has WAY more than I do and more REAL metal medals, but still!)

But anyway! Time for a shower and to get going with the rest of my day! Date night with the boyfriend. I’m excited because the restaurant we’re going to posted their nutritional facts online and I can prepare ahead of time! :0)

PS: I posted my photo above to Facebook with the caption: “I may not be the skinniest girl, but this is the body of a chick that just ran 8.2 miles and I’m DAMN proud of her” and I am SO amazed in how big of a community of supporters I have! I’m so thankful for all the comments and “Likes”.

Today has been a GOOD Day and it’s JUST now 1pm! :0)

Earlier during my free time at work, I wrote, like on pen and paper, down what I was going to type up tonight in my blog, but after today, I’m feeling a little different. I’ll probably post my earlier thoughts tomorrow or another day.

Today, has been a pretty exhausting day. Not that it was anything TOO extreme, but I was up at 7:20, went to work, and then spent the afternoon running errands. I got home around 4 and was WIPED OUT! I told myself I was going to take a nap and then later get up and get a workout in. I failed on both things. I ended up going to my room, where I managed to pig out a little and then laid in bed all evening. It’s now 10pm and I’m even more exhausted than I was earlier. I’m only awake enough to type this because it’s been on my mind all evening… What’s been on my mind all evening you ask? Well this: I might just have to accept the facts! I may never lose another pound again.

Because of the stubbornness my body has been showing lately and the lack of overall sliming via toning from strength training, I started taking measures into my own hands. After watching hours and hours of Doctor Oz and listening to his methods of boosting metabolism and burning fat, I went on a quest to the vitamin shop. I managed to purchase a metabolism booster, fat burner, and toning aid supplements. I was told that the combination would be a SURE fire way for me to get these last couple of pound off, since the combination was only to be used 12-16 weeks anyway. I’m now on day 6 of taking the combination and I don’t really see a change. I MIGHT have burned a little fat off my waistline, but when I measured my waistline, it was exactly the same. I mean I know things take time, but maybe I was hoping that within the first week I’d see a slight difference–sometimes I wish I could ger results like The Biggest Loser contestants–see a physical change. My weight and inches are ALL the same. I’m going to give it more time, the whole combination, but we shall see how it goes.

This weekend at work it was suggested to me that I try to cut back on evening carbs and pick up another day of cardio. Mentally, I was like, cool! I can do that. But we’re on day 3 and I failed. Day 1 and 2 were good, day 3, I totally slipped. After coming back from running all my errands, I managed to eat a bag of popcorn and a piece of candy. I felt SO guilty for eating it. I told myself that my workout would counter act that, but I never got up and worked out. My dinner, on the other hand, a tuna salad stuffed tomato, was very healthy, but my afternoon snacks were pretty bad. I spent all afternoon trying to tell myself to get up, get changed into my workout clothes and do SOMETHING–30 minute run, Tae Bo video, yoga even…but I did nothing, nada.

I sit back thinking the amount of time I spent telling myself to get up and go, I would have been done with my workout already… but I spent all that time sitting in bed. I’ve hit a brick wall… like I REALLY have no clue where to go from here.  Outside of needing to get my thyroid checked and fighting genetics, I don’t feel like what I’m doing is SO bad that I shouldn’t be losing weight. I’m working out 4 days of the week, which is reasonable considering my busy schedule. And I’m eating pretty healthy for the most part. Like any normal human, I have some fat days and over eat, and like today, slip up on my diet (with ONLY ONE piece of candy), but that 220 delicious chocolate & caramel covered pecans, feels like I totally ruined the 1.5 hours of exercise I’ve put in this week and counteracted all the diet watching and fat burner and other supplements I’ve been taking.

**Sidenote, I’m STARVING right now as I type this, even though I’ve over eaten on my caloric intake goal for the day.**

Cutting my PM carbs down has made me feel hungrier at night. I’m trying to resist eating anything, but I discovered today that I can drink the protein shake I bought which is only 6-7g of carbs for 18g of protein and 100 calories. I DID read on My Fitness Pal discussion post that this guy normally eats 200-300 calories over his caloric goal because he eats a high protein diet-something that I’m working towards–high protein and low carbs. It all seems easy, right? It’s really frustrating because I honestly just DON’T get what’s going on. I feel like it’s DEFINITELY time to get my thyroid checked with the doctor, explain to him everything I’ve been trying and doing, and see if he can give me some advice… or tell me if this new stuff I’m trying is worth it. I POSSIBLY can’t be the only one going through this. But when I read the blogs and walls, no one talks about struggling this much. They say “oh, I just started weight training and it got me through my plateau” or “if you’re not losing weight, it’s your diet”. But I’ve adjusted both.

I’ve also been recommended p90x or Insanity… but p90x is called that because it’s 90 minutes long! I’ve tried it, but I just can’t mentally devote 90 minutes to weight training–high INTENSE weight training. 30 minutes of Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred is tough to get through (and the only strength training video I’ve been able to stick with). I’ve completed 25 days using 3lb dumbbells and now am starting back over using 5lb dumbbells. And my plans is to continue to work my way up to level 3 again and then try her Shred-It with Weights video after I finished 30 days of 30 Day Shred with 5 lbs.

**sigh** I don’t even know if anything about this post flows at all…I’m really just venting out my frustrations. I’m trying to be positive, I REALLY am… thinking all these little tweeks will add up, especially since I’ve cut back on carbs and have to adjust my body to feeling full off fiber and protein. I know it takes time. But by year 4, I had REALLY hoped I’d be at my goal weight by now, and NOT still looking at the 200s. I’m honestly doing the BEST I can diet AND exercise wise. I may have an Olympic athlete sister, but she’s not a 24/7 personal trainer, especially when she’s not here 9 months of the year. Ideally, it would be great if I could do p90x and workout 5 days a week, but as of right now, I just don’t have the physically energy. Knowing that I struggle to pick up an extra day of exercise, I try my best to eat as healthy as I can, with the exception to Saturdays and Sundays (my 14hr days). I’m just at a loss. I’m not going to give up on having overall health-I will continue to workout and watch my diet, because as my boyfriend said, “I’d never be the person in the relationship to gain weight because I’d wig out about it” (I’m sure he’s concerned on how I’m going to act post-baby… I’m kind of concerned about how I’m going to act post baby–I’m not pregnant now, I mean when I get pregnant-like 5 years from now), but I’m eventually I might have to learn to accept the fact that I will ALWAYS be this weight and for the most part, always look this way. It’s the body that God gave me and I have changed it as much as I can. It’s the facts.

And I will learn to change my motivation to non-scale victories: running my half-marathon (coming up in 2 weeks), running a dirty mud run, and maybe even attempting an Iron Girl Triathlon. At least then I will have proof that I’m an athlete.

But it’s pretty late now and I want to get to bed. Good night.

It’s a Brand New Day

This past week has been kind of crazy…I will say the past week and half.. After working dilligently since January 1st–working out 4-5 days a week, I took the week of Valentine’s Day off–most of the week. I worked out maybe 1 or 2 days that week…and laughed as I ran on the treadmill watching the Biggest Loser as they talked about how you can’t make holidays an excuse. But anyway–outside of taking a break from exercise and my diet, I got sick. Even though I was sick, I still managed to get in 4 days of exercise. I also switched things up–since my half-marathon is 2 weeks away (then it was 4 weeks away). I decided for the last month I’d try to run 3 days a week and do JM 30 Day Shred 2 days a week, starting back over at level 1 using 5lbs dumbbells. I’ve done at least 4 days of exercise for the past 2 weeks. I’m now running 5 miles like it’s 1 mile (which feels FABULOUS!). And I’m finally starting to see some definition in my biceps and shoulders (mostly), if not little places here and there, like my butt feels firmer and my abs are pretty tight.

BUUUUUTTTT….even with all the diligence and eating mostly healthy to the best of my ability and working out…I STILL haven’t lost a pound and with the weight training, while I AM starting to tone, I’m not losing inches either. I can physically see the change, like I can feel the indention between my biceps and shoulders, but I feel like none of the fat on my body is going away…it actually has started to become kinda saggy & flabs like loose skin. It’s actually REALLY weird. I’ve never really heard of this happening, except on people who lose weight so quickly that the body doesn’t have time to react or people who were extremely overweight & lost a significant amount of weight…but why is it happening on me?

It’s making me somewhat discouraged, but I keep trying to tell myself to keep, keeping on. I’m starting month 3 and tired of weighing 200lbs. 2 years ago, I got down to 191…I don’t get why I can’t get my body back down to that…It’s like 200lbs has a brick wall on it that will take me a DRILL to get through…So, guess what? I’m trying a drill! I’m going back to what worked for me before last time I was in a plateau–a fat-burner…NO, it’s probably not the “healthiest” way to lose weight, but last time I did it, I lost 30lbs & I’ve kept that off BECAUSE I continue to workout and watch my diet (most days of the week). I went to the vitamin shop yesterday and talked to the lady. She knows me and my family, so I semi-trusted her advice. I told her that I’m in a plateau, that I run regularly, and have been doing a light weight training program since Jan. She suggested Fireball Liqui-fusion paired with CLA. And that I only use them for about 12-16 weeks…well the Fireball. The CLA I can continue taking. She also suggested pairing it with L-carnitine, which was recommended to me before. So, you know what??? I’m going to try it. This is my drill.

I took my first dose of all three today. I woke up early and got my workout in (Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred and Level 2 of Yoga Meltdown). I took a Fireball pill & l-carnitine dose before my workout, and then took a CLA with my breakfast & lunch. I DO feel more energetic and ESPECIALLY more awake (granted that could also be a result of starting my day off with a workout), but we shall see how I feel towards the end of the day, which is usually when I start getting tired. It’s 3:30 and I’m still pretty awake. And by 1pm, I already had my 8 glasses of water down! :0) (and sitting here sad that I’m out of water & have already bought 2 waters from the vending machine, plus what I already had in my water bottle). I plan on having a healthy dinner tonight–like grilled chicken and veggies or something of the sort…fish. The fireball I was told to only take 6 days a week, so I won’t be taking it Sundays. I’m not sure which day I’ve decided to be my “fat” day yet, but it too, will probably be Sundays. I am going to work on eating healthier on Saturdays, even through my 12 hour shifts, and go a little more lax on Sundays. Or maybe switch it up, since I don’t eat the best on nights my boyfriend and I go out to dinner.

I can only hope that it helps, but again, at this point, I’m a little desperate, and desperate times call for desperate measures. I’m only trying to get these last 15-20lbs off of me…nothing more really (can’t loose TOO much of my curves). It’s just an attempt. After my half-marathon, I’ll be switching and start lifting 3 days a week and only running 2. I’ll probably do yoga on 2 of my strength training days, and spinning or kickboxing on the other day. But we shall see. I’m just going to keep on, keeping on.

Just wanted to send a quick update… Maybe I’ll be updating soon with pictures of my slimming figure???

**Only Time Will Tell**

Where Did I Go?

I’m having a pretty down day today when it comes to exercise. My scheduled workout today was This Is Tae Bo dvd and Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred. I started the Tae Bo dvd and completed it (which I didn’t do the first time I attempted it), and then made my way to complete 30 Day Shred, which I didn’t. I only did 12 minutes of it, before I just gave up feeling like “what’s the point?”

The gym in our house has a wall of mirrors which I HATE with a PASSION! I spend the whole time down there staring at myself nit-picking every roll and jiggle while I workout… and it doesn’t make me more enthusiastic to continue… because every day when I go down there, I still see the same tire around my waist and flabby arms. I feel like I’m BUSTING MY ASS in the gym, but I don’t feel like anything is changing. I’m gaining weight and nothing on my body looks more toned. I’ve been working out 4-5 days a week.

I HATE the way I look, in all honesty, and it’s COMPLETELY frustrating. I have lost my confidence in myself and I continue to see that fat, 250lbs girl that I used to be. I 100% have Fat Girl Syndrome. I still see myself as someone with a pretty face. The more and more I bust my ass and the further and further away I am from coming CLOSE to looking like I want to, the less and less security I have in myself.  My boyfriend is always frustrated with me because he wishes I’d see myself the way he sees me…He thinks I look AMAZING and tells me how much of an inspiration I am to him. And a coworker the other day said she’d be happy if she were my size… why am I not happy?

When I was 250lbs I strutted around like nobody’s business and was very proud of myself… I don’t feel proud of myself anymore. I feel like a failure. I see all these people reaching their goal weights and being successful… every week I see someone on My Fitness Pal who’s lost another pound or two and I’m jealous. I want to be logging my weight-loss success. I’ve changed up my routine, I’ve changed up my diet… Besides going to the extreme and cutting things out of my diet, I don’t see myself being able to lose anymore weight. I’m frustrated with being stuck. I was hoping this year things would click and I’d see a steady decline. It’s 15 freaking pounds!!! And I can’t get it off of me.

People think I’m joking around when I tell them I’m saving for lipsocution… I’m not kidding! I’m just more interested in getting the fat sucked out of me at this point. I feel like I’m doing everything right and nothing’s working! I’ve tried eating closer to 1200, I’ve tired eating 1600, I’ve tired burning 500+ calories per day. I’m eating fruits and veggies…I was doing soup and salad for a while… I take a multivitamin & omega complex… was doing protien fruit smoothies… I focus on my diet like a BANSHEE that when someone incorrectly says how many calories are in something…I correct them with the REAL value… I don’t know of ANYONE who thinks about this crap as much as I do! And after workouts like today…I don’t even feel like eating anymore because I feel like it’s all just going to stick to my waist and arms anyway.

I’m REALLY going to schedule an appointment with my doctor and go talk to him. This is REALLY frustrating. I’m just REALLY disappointed in the process thus far. All the numbers are adding up, but I’m not seeing any results. People tell me to be happy with where I’m at, but I don’t think anyone REALLY gets it. I’ve been trying to lose the last 15lbs going on 2 years now! Why is this SO DAMN DIFFICULT??? I wanted to complete 30 Day Shred so I could be proud of myself for accomplishing something, but I’m not even successful at THAT anymore. I gave up around day 15…as always!

I just don’t get where I went? I used to be this happy go-lucky girl, and now I’m just a miserable work-aholic. My friends have noticed a change in me. It’s like my optimism started going out the window with the weight loss… I just wonder if I’m the only person who has become LESS confident in themselves with losing weight-cause I feel like I’m the only one. I hate the Jennifer Hudson commercials because I DON’T feel like that AT ALL–it’s not a reality to me. But then again, I’m not a size 6 like she is after losing 50+ lbs. I’m only a size 12. I just jiggle a little too much for my taste for all the miles I run and cardio I do and the weight-training I’ve BEEN doing. And I’m STILL 200lbs… When will I NOT see a -2- at the beginning of the number on the scale???

I’m in my week 4 slump…I should have gotten up earlier this morning and gotten my workout over with. I probably wouldn’t have felt this way now if I had. This is why I can’t stay at home all day on my off days. I just become miserable. And by 5pm, I don’t even feel like going anywhere at that point anyway.

Just Frustrated and in a SUPER bad mood.

Okay, so what I’m ACTUALLY writing about isn’t all happy and exciting as Rihanna is in that song, but it’s important, nonetheless… at least for me.

So before 2012 started, I sat (probably was lying) down and thought about my game plan for my new workout and exercise routine. I’d been off my routine for some time (like a month or so), and REALLY wanted to kick off the new year with a bang–go hard or go home, right? (actually, I DO go home… That’s where my gym is, lol) When I got hired at the hospital for weekend 12hr shifts, I didn’t really think it would have much impact on my life, but it has been a BIG deal. I gave up personal life goals, struggled to meet some, and then my stress level about tripled. I work two jobs, averaging 6 days a week. With working long hours, I didn’t want to force myself to HAVE to workout. My plan was to go HARD Monday through Friday, meaning, I’d be SUPER strict on my health kick, working out 5 days a week and eating only my allotted calories, but then this weekend I realized that even with trying to be healthy by packing healthy foods, I find some yummy goodness to eat that takes me over my calories.  For instance, this past weekend I packed soups and sandwich for lunch and healthy snacks of apple, yogurt, nuts, and string cheese, but then one of the doctors brought bagels and another day I bought a piece of cake to eat with my lunch. So, why am I overeating on the weekend as opposed to the week day? Because with my job as a patient care assistant, I’m moving practically 10 out of the 12 hours. So, with bringing healthy foods, which are low-calorie (like fruit and yogurt), I burn the calories off quickly and then I get REALLY hungry & have run out of snacks that I brought to eat, so to satiate my hunger, I end up eating a bagel or getting a piece of cake (because that’s what’s quick and available).

The food court at the hospital I work at sucks. They have a grill, and I guess I could get a turkey burger, no bread, but outside of “Make Your Own Salad” they don’t have a lot of healthy options. And when I bring my own food, it makes tracking calories easier–even if I get a turkey burger, no bread, I don’t know WHERE the burger and cheese are coming from. I also try to pack my lunch so I can avoid the temptation, but SOME TIMES, I get to the point of stomach growling starvation. I had originally came up with a plan of attack for this weekend to counteract the hunger (since I knew from earlier that I tend to get hungry quickly), so I was TRYING to pack more snacks. I also made a protein shake for breakfast and drank it on the way to work, and then had my cereal or oatmeal for breakfast when I got to work. I was trying to stick with my weekday plans of eating 5 small meals: breakfast, AM snack, lunch, and PM snack, and then I’d eat dinner when I got home. But it still didn’t work. I actually found myself HUNGRIER this weekend, hence why I ate the bagel and the piece of cake, because I knew those were two things that would “stick to my ribs” and keep me fuller longer, but neither are really healthy, and I don’t want to completely sabotage all the work I do during the week over the weekend. On Saturday night, I weighed myself, because I felt REALLY bloated, and I was almost at 210lbs! Which is 5lbs heavier than even my starting weight! I mean, I know it was the end of the day, I was bloated, and I probably had a lot of water weight, but I just felt REALLY heavy. So I told myself, NEXT weekend, I need to find a better plan of attack.

I talked to my dad about it last night when I got home from work. He told me to just over pack snacks. So take more nuts with me and take more fruit. He said things like strawberries and grapes will be more satiating, but not so high in calories, and sweet enough, so I don’t go grab a piece of cake. I can snack on fruit and veggies all day pretty much. I just need to find some fruit and veggies high in fiber that I can eat that will fill be up. I try apples because all the doctors on the doctor shows talk about how good and full of fiber they are…either I’m buying the wrong apple or something, because I do NOT feel fuller–I actually get hungrier. I even tried getting banana’s like J. Hudson was saying on Dr. Oz last weekend, but while it satisfied me for 30 minutes to an hour longer than the apple, I STILL got hungry again.  I try to complement it with something more fulfilling, like yogurt or peanut butter or something, but it doesn’t work 100% of the time. And also, I try to limit my peanut butter intake to just a serving size (which honestly isn’t a lot for someone who LOVES peanut butter). I guess on a positive note, my metabolism has probably kicked up and I’m burning and digest food quicker than I was before… but still…I HATE a growling stomach!

I plan on going to the grocery store Thursday or Friday to buy some foods for the weekend. I might have to go back to getting Fiber One granola bars or something, those are low-calorie,  but will also help me to feel fuller as well. I will also buy more fruits and veggies. I had baby carrots as a snack this weekend (no ranch dressing), and got pretty satisfied off that as well.

Another idea I thought of was to maybe go for a walk after work. At least for 30 minutes. I know I’m not going to burn enough calories to counteract the bagel or piece of cake I might eat. I feel like I could come home and watch TV for 30 minutes or so while doing it, maybe at an incline, on the treadmill. Since I know I’m usually pretty tired after 12 hours of work, a walk won’t be anything TOO strenuous on my body and make me too sore to function at work the next day. But I really need to figure SOMETHING out so I don’t ruin my diet.

Last year I was in a plateau because I was constantly yo-yoing, eating great for a few days, then eating like crazy and not working out for another, gaininng and losing, gaining and losing. I don’t want to go through that again. I REALLY want to lose these last 15-20 lbs for GOOD. I want to get to MY ideal weight and learn how to maintain it. I’m very close to my goal. I feel like I can get there by June (in time for summer). I started this year off with weight-training and I’ve increased my cardio levels. I’m also trying my best to eat better and eat healthy.

I also went back to Sparkpeople.com. I’m using both websites now, since Sparkpeople is what helped me to lose my initial 50 pounds. I had a total of 53 pound weight-loss when I was on that site (but have gained the 3 back for sure). I know tracking on both My Fitness Pal and Sparkpeople is double tracking, but Spark honestly makes a little more sense to me, but I like the scanner option on the MFP iPhone app, which makes tracking easier. I wish the Sparkpeople app had that option.

But I just need to decide on a new game-plan for the weekends. I know if I work hard and stay strict Monday though Friday, I can give myself A LITTLE leadway on Saturday, where I can eat what I WANT for dinner (which is usually Chinese food–I don’t know WHY I’ve been craving that for the past couple of weekends), but Sunday I would really like to get back on my diet, at least, and eat healitherr and within calorie range, even if I’m not exercising. I guess a part of me wants to learn how to maintain my weight even if I don’t exercise. I KINDA of have a hang of it, obviously, since I’ve kept 50lbs off, but I have still been going in and out of working out SUPER hard and just working out casually. I tend to not go more than a month of not working out because I just feel UBER lazy and unproductive (and fatter).

I think I’m going to take up my dad’s suggestion of buying fruits and veggies that I can snack on that will still fill me up, and just snack on that. I will be okay, in the end. I just have to stay determind. And resist the temptations. I think I am going to try to incorporate the walking after work on Saturday and Sunday nights. That might also help me sleep better too.

So, cheers to the freakin’ weekend, I’ll drink (water) to that!